Right now I’m sitting at Starbucks and I believe the Lord is vividly trying to tell me something through the people around me. When I first got here, a man and woman probably in their 50’s sat down across from me while I opened up my laptop. They seemed to be genuinely nice people, we chit chatted a little about how crazy technology is nowadays. But as they continued to talk amongst themselves (with no intent of concealing their conversation), I realized that they had just met. And when I say they just met, I mean like 5 minutes ago.
In this post I’m not attempting to provide all the answers, but am only geared at sharing with you all my most toilsome struggle…. doubtfulness. This isn’t something I’ve written about much, but being that I desire to be as transparent as possible… I feel like it’s time I should.
This past week I was really sick, I mean really sick. Fever, headache, chills, you name it. For days I took pain relievers and the turmoil in my body would ease for a while.. but inevitably, the gut wrenching symptoms returned. Although treating the symptoms of my sickness provided a temporary solution to what I was experiencing, it did not cure it. And that goes for all types of sicknesses. We can treat our symptoms all we want, day in and day out, but until our immune system (the real weapon) kills the virus/bacteria, we are waging a battle that won’t end.
“Being Gay” is generally a set of words that I stay away from, so I want to be clear, that when I say “being gay”, I mean being fully accepting of one’s homosexual feelings and acting out on them without shame, conviction or remorse. When I refer to myself as “not gay”, I am not saying that I don’t experience same sex thoughts… because I do. But I say that I am not gay because I do not define myself by those thoughts, temptations and feelings; and neither does God. My identity is in Christ. I am His. I am not gay.
But I’ve been gay.
In the blog I posted yesterday entitled, “Fake Christianity”, I wasn’t near clear enough on exactly who/what I was referring to. I apologize for the vagueness of my post, because as we all know that if we don’t clearly define the subject we are talking about, all sorts of things can be taken from it and the message can be perceived as something totally opposite of what the writer intended. This is my fault, and I hope that you will continue reading this post in order to get a sharper view of what I was getting at.
I’m going to start this with a quote from a conversation a I had with a friend yesterday. Here are his words:
“My biggest downfall is cliche, commercial Christianity. I hate it with a passion. I hate that it’s advertised strategically. I hate that people try to make it look good and trendy so someone else will follow the trend. I just don’t want any part of that. And i have yet to experience real Christianity outside of that.”
Couldn’t. Agree. More.