My goal was to already have blogged once or twice this week. Like I said in the previous post, I want to start utilizing this blog on a more personal level–writing on diverse topics, contingent upon whatever is on my heart at the time I sit down to do it. But my writing time has been taken up this week with working on my book, which I am actually so excited to be able to say since I have made almost no headway on it since May. Writer’s block has been ever before me and my thought processes concerning the topic(s) of my book have been paralyzed— its’ been so frustrating. I was so sure that the Lord led me to write this book, and connected me with people to help me along the journey, but the past few months I’ve been doubting that He even wants me to embark on such a task—due to my apparent lack of ability to do so.
But this week He showed me what was wrong with me. Depression.
Like many of you, I’m sure, I have a natural tendency to swing low. I get down pretty easily, most times for no apparent reason—and I’m usually unaware of the drop in mood while it’s happening. It’s hard to explain, but if you experience depression, you understand. I think that the depression started to creep in early this year and intensified over time as I continued to retract myself from community and looked to the things most quickly available to me (porn, cigarettes, food) for comfort. After indulging in these things, I would feel so guilty—especially with the porn, as I’ve written on before—only intensifying the depression that I was mostly unaware of.
I was physically ill for almost the entire months of June and July with something the Doc’s couldn’t really diagnose. Unpredictable fever, body aches, loss of appetite. I now believe that my body was starting to react to the lowness I was feeling in my soul. I didn’t see this at the time, but looking back it makes a lot of sense—I remember being really stressed out the week before I got sick. My physical symptoms now only brought my mood even lower, and my indulgence in sinful vices intensified.
Since June, I haven’t had motivation to do anything and felt like if I even attempted to do anything, I wouldn’t be able to do it well. So I just laid around. Personal training is slow during the summer, so I’ve only been working a few hours a day and have had the majority of my days free to do anything I want. People would kill for the schedule I have right now! But I just haven’t been able to muster up any kind of passion to do anything useful with that time—such as work on my book or other resources for the people I want to reach with the gospel. I’ve just been wasting my life—which I’ve been aware of—-which made me even more depressed. This week, the Lord intervened.
I was emailing my Lit agent, expressing my frustrations and feelings of inadequacy in this book writing endeavor— and she told me to give her a call. Jessica is a Christian (yes, a real one, lol)—and she has struggled with depression in the past and in the first couple minute of our phone call she told me something profound… something that will always stick with me. She said, “Matt, I don’t think that you’re depressed because you’ve been giving into temptation and falling into sin. I think that temptation look so big to you and you’ve been falling so much and feeling this way because you’re depressed.” This might seem to be quite evident to you, but it was completely new to me. Usually those in the midst of depression don’t have enough clarity to see things as they are.
When the problem was identified, the solution immediately popped into my mind:
- “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”- Psalm 37:14
- “The Lord is my strength”- Psalm 28:7
- “And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”- Nehemiah 8:10
The joy of the Lord is not something that I’ve been experiencing… not continually anyway. I’ve had glimpses of it here and there, but not continual enjoyment of God and His promises. By default, my mindset is one of those “I don’t have to feel it for it to be there”… which is true, to a degree, but I think that way of thinking has kept me back from seeking to feel and walk in the immediate joy of the Lord. I need that joy. Every Christian needs that joy. I believe that setting the mind on the Spirit is not only thinking of spiritual things, but delighting ourself in the truths of who God is, what He’s done—delighting in God Himself. I firmly believe that this our greatest tool in putting to death the deeds of the body. Joy in God.
I decided to slow down in my Scripture reading, and really meditate on the verses that I’m reading… particularly in the Psalms. I’ve been stopping whatever I’m doing throughout the day, at random times, just to stop and remember whose world I am living in… and how great that Owner is. How merciful He is. How intimate He is. How loving He is—and how He directs all those things at me.
Things are getting better. I feel motivated, and able, to actually do the things that the Lord has set before me. But I’m not going to be fooled into thinking that this is a fight I will have to engage just for awhile before depression flees from me forever. Finding joy in God is a fight that I will engage in for the rest of my life. Day by day, I know that I have to look into my heart and rearrange my priorities—remove anything that would rise up and sit on the throne that He created to be His. I fall into depression by letting my eyes wander from Him and onto other things—usually myself. And myself is not a very healthy place for my focus to be placed. I fall short, in almost every way imaginable. But Jesus— He is perfect in every way imaginable—and God says my identity is found in Him. I want to keep my eyes on Him and find an eternity’s worth of delight in Him every day.
I really enjoy your posts.
Thanks Matt. I have suffered from depression for at least the past six years. As a matter of fact, just this Wednesday ai slipped in to a valley of depression, but praise be to God, I had my accountability partner to help pull be back up! We got in to the Word by reading Psalms and praying. So powerful! Thanks for your encouragement. Love you brother!
The cares of “this world” can easily overtake our own lives, and bring us down IF we are not careful to manage our days, our time and our lives. Although I don’t have “depression”, let me encourage you to look forward, don’t look back, keep your chin up and smile.
I have struggled with depression for years as started writing a blog this week. I hope you will give it a look, and I hope it might encourage you as you’ve encouraged me. It’s at alexlisk.wordpress.com.
Bless you and keep up the fight!
Alex
Thank you for your transparency, it’s rare in the Christian community but so needed.
As I searched for help in Gods word this morning for help with my problems and depression, I read this verse.
I will praise the LORD at all times.
I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the LORD;
let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the LORD’s greatness;
let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces. (Psalm 34:1-5 NLT)
Matt, you are absolutely right about delighting yourself in the Lord. That is what has helped me and my motivation while I deal with outwardly depressing circumstances. I HIGHLY recommend John Piper’s book Dangerous Duty of Delight. That book, along with the denser Desiring God, have helped me in my own dealings with SSA more than any other books on the subject. Here is a free link to the contents of Dangerous Duty of Delight:
http://cdn.desiringgod.org/pdf/books_bd3/bd3.pdf
thank you for sharing the link with me! I have Desiring God, not finished with it yet… been reading it slowly for a couple months now. I love Piper, so I appreciate you sharing that with me!
Hey Matt!
Thank you so much for your blog! It is a great blessing! – I have been helped by all of your posts! My struggles are not the same as yours, but as all sin IS sin, the remedy of the hope and love of Jesus is equally applicable.
I would really like you to listen to this sermon from one of the young pastors at my church. It deals with depression and doubt and being secure and resting in the Lord. http://sojournchurch.com/sermons/rest-in-retreat/ You said you liked podcasts so I don’t imagine this will be too much of a drain on you?
Btw, in your previous post you mentioned that you thought that only the people who subscribed to you really cared about reading your blog. I think that that is all stuff and nonsense. I haven’t subscribed. Partially due to oversight and partially from a vague sense that when I subscribe to things, for some reason or another, I end up missing a few days and then emails start to pile up and it is a pain to deal with. I make it a point how ever to check your fb almost daily to see if you have blogged again. Don’t take us non subscribers for granted, friend.
thank you, Chloe
both for the link and for the last paragraph
Matt,
I absolutely love your bluntness!!
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only Christian who wasn’t miraculously(sp?) relieved from being human at the point of conversion.
I have lived with depression since my teens, and still do (I am now 38). My faith has also been a part of my life for almost as long. I have no doubt that depression in my life has been a consequence of isolation, from myself and others. There is a great danger in gay men and women for this isolation to be sustained, if they do not substitute the search for a partner with a search for community or reliable communion with others who have much in common.
I have debated the merits of sexual abstinence for purity of faith and I am certain that this issue should not be given the same importance as the issue of isolation and depression. It is this problem that leads to sickness, and to suicide for some, not sexual sin. I will say that again, it is depression and isolation that is the problem here!
Companionship is vital for most of us, and if we are gay, we will seek companionship with those of the same sex more intensely.
In our early twenties, our lives are full of opportunities, distractions, and attention from others in a similar situation. It is quite easy to emphasize the love of Jesus to maintain us as individuals when this is the reality in our external world. But as we age, this love, this divine love is tested, and the human reality of our insufficiency cannot be ignored.
I ask myself the question. What is it like to face a life where their will be no-one I can truthfully rely on day-to-day? Who can honestly pray every day for that dependence to be realized either in human or divine form? Because, I am not alone here, it is actually every day that this connection is needed. And as the years go by, the others who can provide distraction from that reality begin to drop off. No professional success, material gain or commendation will suffice. The late Henri Nouwen is an example of the extent of pain some single gay folks will have to face.
We do need each other, we really do. By all means, Christ provides us with the model to live celibately, but only if we have absolute trust and companionship from another who can understand us, as a lover would.
Matt, its great to read your posts..really helps sometimes..I thinkI am depressed since I was born…I go through the same difficultes you do…unfortunatley even God doesnot/cant help…I grew up in church, spent more than 16 years in there, ministryng, fighting my self, prayed, read bible, tried to live pure life.. but left it about 2 yers ago…I want to keep my faith but, it is very hard…I am struggling with it…unfortunatley the reality we live is very difficult, doesnot matter how we encourage ourselves and others…have peace brother!
George,
Sometimes it’s simply in the knowing that we are not alone in our struggles which provides great help. Of course the extent which God went to in obtaining our salvation is the highest form of love/compassion ever displayed. We’re all dreadful, sinful, hopeless creatures.. but we are saved even beyond who we are, by the blood of Jesus. The main thing is not to give up… I fall too and we must keep offering each other a “hand-up” when we’re down or we won’t all make it to our destination. It really does matter that we offer encouragement because it’s the love of God displayed in a form we can understand which drives us ever forward!
Gene, I am from an ex soviet union country
The struggle we all go through is very difficult, especially in countries like mine..
and it is easy to get angry with God…when you see no help neither from God, nor from Christians..(at least it seems that way, because you are alone)
It is easier for you guys in the States and in European countries to be more open…to meet people who have same struggle…more people can understand in the church..but in my country even “very spiritual” Christians can reject u because of this ..
Nobody speaks about this kind of struggles in churches..people just leave churches and go…people just kill them selves and nobody knows why…
Yes..reading posts from my struggling brothers and sisters really encourages me..I know I am not alone …hope this kind of fellowship will help me to get back to stronger faith…
God bless!
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