I have a lot of time on my hands today, so I thought I’d take advantage of it to post a blog since I haven’t in a few weeks.
I wish that I utilized this blog more than I do. I wish I posted more often. But the thing is, I’ve just kind of been scared to lately. Over the past year, I’ve grown increasingly aware of how much I do not know. I’m seeing a little more clearly how inexperienced I am as far as sharing the gospel and ministry of the Word goes. As I was reading through some of my older posts from last year and earlier this year, it’s quite clear that I thought I was a lot wiser than I actually was. Unaware of my arrogance at the time, I really think I saw myself as the “go-to” guy on the issue of homosexuality. I pictured myself using the gifts and testimony God has gvien me to attain a great name in the world of ministry. And this blog was the avenue through which I was getting all of these ideas. In 2012, the traffic to my website has exploded…… and along with it came mass amounts of emails, interviews on radio shows and other Christian News outlets, signing with a literary agency and speaking agency, etc. It seemed like I had people from every angle telling me how awseome of a work God was doing in and through me and what great plans He must have in store for me in the ministry of the gospel. Unfortunately, all of these good things and encouragement fed the desire I had to make a name for myself… to be known. I was not spiritually mature enough to handle all of that (I’m probably still not)–and my flesh seized the opportunity to distract me from what really matters. Jesus.
Up until the past 5 months or so, most of my writing has been tainted with selfish motives and desires– not a pure, sincere love for Jesus Christ. I was driven in part (a rather large part) by the desire to make a name for myself—of course, under the guise of “ministry.” So for the past few months I have kind of stepped back from Social Media and [informational] blogging. I’ve still written about feeling called to move to New Orleans and my transition over here, and a couple of other short posts, but not much besides that. I’ve needed to get my head on straight, repent of my self-worship, and try to figure out exactly what it is that God wants me to do with my life. And I still don’t really know the answers. But I do know a few things. One of which is that God the Father wants me to know Him and to know Jesus Christ; not for the sake of ministry, but for the sake of my own joy and spiritual health. I will not be effective in the lives of those around me (for Christ) if I am not healthy in my own relationship with Christ.
Purely by His grace at work in me, knowing God has been my desire and the focus of my time for a while now. As I grow in my knowledge of the Lord, my knowledge of myself also increases—which is why I said that I’ve kind of been hesitant to blog much lately. I don’t want to repeatedly deceive myself and write a bunch of stuff that I think I know about only to later regret the things I said…. or more importantly, how I said them.
I say all of this so that my readers really understand that I am not the “go to” guy on any issue. Jesus Christ is the go to guy on every issue. The Bible is the source that God has given us for truth, encouragement and strength. Please don’t view me as anything more (or less, lol) than a weak and broken sinner in need of the same daily grace that you are.
I hope this post doesn’t make me sound depressed, because I SO am not! I am in best spiritual place that I have ever been in. It’s tough some days, but I know on those days I am growing the most. God has exponentially increased my reliance upon His mercy, grace and faithfulness in a very real way. He is pulling me away from the worldly things I’m so prone to seek comfort and security in and is constantly [and graciously] convicting me and redirecting my desires to Himself. I believe the only way to sever sinful desires is by finding real joy in Jesus Christ. The more you know someone, the more able you are to find things in them to take joy in—so I want to know Christ more. I’ve pleaded with the Lord every morning for His Spirit to do things and awaken things in me that I can’t, and I believe that He has continually answered that plea.
I enjoy writing, especially when it comes to writing about Jesus and the gospel…..and I want to write more in 2013. But I have to keep diligent watch on myself and my motives behind my writing. Pray for me in this regard. I need wisdom, discernment and balance in all aspects of my life—including this blog.
Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!