I have a lot of time on my hands today, so I thought I’d take advantage of it to post a blog since I haven’t in a few weeks.
I wish that I utilized this blog more than I do. I wish I posted more often. But the thing is, I’ve just kind of been scared to lately. Over the past year, I’ve grown increasingly aware of how much I do not know. I’m seeing a little more clearly how inexperienced I am as far as sharing the gospel and ministry of the Word goes. As I was reading through some of my older posts from last year and earlier this year, it’s quite clear that I thought I was a lot wiser than I actually was. Unaware of my arrogance at the time, I really think I saw myself as the “go-to” guy on the issue of homosexuality. I pictured myself using the gifts and testimony God has gvien me to attain a great name in the world of ministry. And this blog was the avenue through which I was getting all of these ideas. In 2012, the traffic to my website has exploded…… and along with it came mass amounts of emails, interviews on radio shows and other Christian News outlets, signing with a literary agency and speaking agency, etc. It seemed like I had people from every angle telling me how awseome of a work God was doing in and through me and what great plans He must have in store for me in the ministry of the gospel. Unfortunately, all of these good things and encouragement fed the desire I had to make a name for myself… to be known. I was not spiritually mature enough to handle all of that (I’m probably still not)–and my flesh seized the opportunity to distract me from what really matters. Jesus.
Up until the past 5 months or so, most of my writing has been tainted with selfish motives and desires– not a pure, sincere love for Jesus Christ. I was driven in part (a rather large part) by the desire to make a name for myself—of course, under the guise of “ministry.” So for the past few months I have kind of stepped back from Social Media and [informational] blogging. I’ve still written about feeling called to move to New Orleans and my transition over here, and a couple of other short posts, but not much besides that. I’ve needed to get my head on straight, repent of my self-worship, and try to figure out exactly what it is that God wants me to do with my life. And I still don’t really know the answers. But I do know a few things. One of which is that God the Father wants me to know Him and to know Jesus Christ; not for the sake of ministry, but for the sake of my own joy and spiritual health. I will not be effective in the lives of those around me (for Christ) if I am not healthy in my own relationship with Christ.
Purely by His grace at work in me, knowing God has been my desire and the focus of my time for a while now. As I grow in my knowledge of the Lord, my knowledge of myself also increases—which is why I said that I’ve kind of been hesitant to blog much lately. I don’t want to repeatedly deceive myself and write a bunch of stuff that I think I know about only to later regret the things I said…. or more importantly, how I said them.
I say all of this so that my readers really understand that I am not the “go to” guy on any issue. Jesus Christ is the go to guy on every issue. The Bible is the source that God has given us for truth, encouragement and strength. Please don’t view me as anything more (or less, lol) than a weak and broken sinner in need of the same daily grace that you are.
I hope this post doesn’t make me sound depressed, because I SO am not! I am in best spiritual place that I have ever been in. It’s tough some days, but I know on those days I am growing the most. God has exponentially increased my reliance upon His mercy, grace and faithfulness in a very real way. He is pulling me away from the worldly things I’m so prone to seek comfort and security in and is constantly [and graciously] convicting me and redirecting my desires to Himself. I believe the only way to sever sinful desires is by finding real joy in Jesus Christ. The more you know someone, the more able you are to find things in them to take joy in—so I want to know Christ more. I’ve pleaded with the Lord every morning for His Spirit to do things and awaken things in me that I can’t, and I believe that He has continually answered that plea.
I enjoy writing, especially when it comes to writing about Jesus and the gospel…..and I want to write more in 2013. But I have to keep diligent watch on myself and my motives behind my writing. Pray for me in this regard. I need wisdom, discernment and balance in all aspects of my life—including this blog.
Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!
2 Corinthians 12:9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Praying for you, Matt! Your honesty is so refreshing!
I’ll be in town the last week of January, hope to see you!
THANK YOU…So much for a real and honest post …I too have been going through the same process of realizing that I don’t know much and I certainly don’t know more than Jesus….I’m fairly new to your blog and really enjoy your blog entries…I will pray that God shows you everything that he wants you to accomplish for his Glory…
Believe it or not, Matt. This is probably the most rewarding point in your walk with Christ….in anyone’s walk who really seeks to be used by Him for His glory. That point where we realize just how prideful we can become and then seeking Him with true humility! There’s not much God can do with us when we are still full of ourselves. But once we lose that (and not to some sort of monastic abasement either)…once we truly face the fact that “with man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible” we truly become the soft clay that He can use to mold us into something truly beautiful and useful to His plan! And it is that humility that will draw others with more open ears and hearts to the Gospel as you share it. God’s name be praised forevermore!
Eyes on Him. Abide in Him and love others.
“Since you have been converted you have become a creature of such a sublime nature that you can no longer be satisfied with anything other than God. You have been recreated and the only one who satisfies is Christ
Sanctification is progressive. You will spend the greater part of your life choosing other things and those other things will leave you empty and that is why you have trials [and testing] which are intended to draw you back to Christ.”
Paul Washer
Hey Matt, can totally relate to what you are saying; this is evidence of your growth; moving away from self reliance to reliance on Christ.
Love P.W. Thanks for sharing that quote with me!
Matt i am moved to tears at your honesty and so Glad to see God working in you in this way
Matt – you just popped into my mind and then I came on to read this & it’s amazing to me how the Spirit linked what I was thinking and what you’ve written here. I was thinking about all I’ve learned this year and how so many times I think I just know something down pat – God has a way of humbling me and showing me new perspectives. I was thinking about how many of your beliefs have probably shifted & grown so much over the year. Anytime we put ourselves out there with very bold information – we will find more information to balance out the perspective & bring us back to humility. Forever on that journey. I am convinced that Paul is right – I agree with Him – all I desire to know is Christ. Some days I feel I don’t concretely know any other one thing lol.
God will reveal any other knowledge He desires us to have as we seek Him, in His time, in His way – based on our works He has prepared for us, our personalities, our experiences, what Church we journey with. The knowledge is so futile sometimes – it is not the end… it is a means to know Him & self more — the relationship with Him is the end. He is the goal, relationship with Him is our purpose.
We want to be all about Jesus – nothing more nothing else.
Thank you for your honesty – we all battle self every day.
He HAS prepared good works for you through Jesus (Eph 2) — it is probably not what you visualize it to be. You will know when it’s from Him or self – sometimes it takes longer than other times for that discernment to come.
To be basic is to be mature. Christ, no more no less! Keep on walking close to Him!
This is crazy but I am exactly where you are…like before. I believe this is a part of every true and genuine transformation. Almost every word you said I can relate with. How did we survive before we accepted Christ? It’s mind boggling!
- This is Jessie from Texas. (The Madhouse.)
-This is Jessie from Texas.
I knew who you were
congrats on your marriage!
This post has given me the greatest lesson of 2012! Thank you so much for sharing this and for your honesty Matt. May God continue to guide you and to bless you in 2013!
praying for you!
Love you Matt.
Hey Matt. A belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
stumbled upon your life story and i just want to say that ive been blessed with what God has done/doing in you. 😃 its comforting to know that we all share each other’s sufferings and the sufferings of Jesus in this world and in the flesh.
i was sexually abused when i was a kid and also struggle with SSA. ive undergone the LIVING WATERS. pretty much like EXODUS international. i also still struggle with porn and masturbation. i agree with your last blog entry, temptation is just everywhere. its so hard to flee when im the one who puts myself in compromising situations. i end up empty and dead because of this addiction and my heart somehow becomes really hard and calloused. this is the result of my acting out.
but i really praise God for the HOLY SPIRIT and His grace that just wont stop pursuing me. the gift of accountability and confession with trusted members of His Body is also a big help. what Jesus did on the Cross is really unfathomable.i may feel really down but the Cross reminds me to keep on moving forward in Him. the grace thats been given is not just when i fall but all the more should i choose and live for Him.
there’s so much more i want to write. i just want to say keep on abiding in Him bro. it is impossible to go through this journey alone. We need Jesus every second and the community(HIS BODY) too. His grace is Sufficient. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. ALL THESE are TEMPORARY and He isnt finish with us yet!
God bless you bro!
@MM,Your feelings of inadequacy are simply feelings. They can’t show you the full truth about yourself-who you are in God’s eyes. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Glory be to Jesus Christ!
Hi, Matt;
What a wonderful and inspiring post!! Thank you so much for sharing your heart here.
Your words really struck a chord in me, as I too went through almost the exact same thing you describe here. In fact, I was so driven by my own fleshly motives that I ended up aligning myself with a very tainted ministry. In fact, I knew in my heart of hearts that this was NOT the direction that God wanted me to go, but because this “ministry” had a lot of public support, and I had very selfish motives, I ended up making the wrong decision. I was extremely hurt, and extremely humbled — but I also realize that I made this decision apart from the spirit, but in the flesh, despite what the Holy Spirit was telling me.
I LOVE reading about your desire for humility, as this really inspires me, and is one of the things that I have really been praying for you. I know that I fall SOOO short in that area, also, but the fact that you realize it, shows that you are truly a man after God’s own heart. I just know that the Lord will continue to give you His burden, and will bring you to a place of true humility. None of us can truly do the Lord’s will without it.
God bless you, brother!!!
…Christ has many services to be done. Some are easy, others are difficult. Some bring honour, others bring reproach. Some are suitable to our natural inclinations and temporal interests, others are contrary to both… Yet the power to do all these things is given to us in Christ, who strengthens us. — John Wesley, Invitation to Covenant Prayer
A man once told me that if you are in the wrong place, your right place is empty.
He was speaking to me about the Body of Christ. I tried for years to self-direct myself on where I should fit in. It didn’t work. When I let God start directing me as to where my place was and is, it has been joy-filled and peaceful, although not always pretty. Trust in God to place you where you fit in, and it may be temporary or for a lifetime. Keith
Maybe speaking and writing isn’t meant to be. The market is rife with Christian writers and speakers, not all of them good. Christianity has become such a business enterprise and so many wanting to make a name for themselves. (Some dub them “gospelprenuers”). If people spent less time/monry on the latest seminar or Joel Osteen book, and focused on being a disciple, we’d ALL be better off. I still think God can use broken vessels, but don’t let your aspirations distract from your recovery and focus on the eternal.
2 Cor. 3:18 And all of us, as with unveiled face, [because we] continued to behold [in the Word of God] as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another; [for this comes] from the Lord [Who is] the Spirit. AMP
Matt, you are being used as an inspiration to me and so many others who are going through exactly the same temptations and battles. Thank you for your candid and warm-hearted honesty. You certainly have my prayers from over here in London, England.