I want to address what I’m sure most of you have already seen on the internet: my profile on Grindr. For those of you who don’t know, Grindr is an app designed specifically for gay men. It shows you where the other gay guys (who also have grindr) are around you, listing them in order according to closest proximity. You can send messages, chat, etc. Most users on this app are only looking for sex; I know that because it’s what I used to use it before prior to coming to faith in Christ 3 years ago. I started fooling around on this app again a couple weekends ago. I’ve been in a pretty bad place spiritually for the past few months (really, the last year), and finally something broke in me. Weekend before last (January 26-27), I basically just let go deciding I was going to revert back to my old lifestyle…mostly because I was tired of being depressed. I felt unvalued by people and I felt like all I was doing all the time was repenting and being sad and fearful and doubtful. I remembered my life before Christ, how “free” I felt (although I really wasn’t)…. and I remembered how I could get attention, affection and acceptance from other gay guys. For a period of about 24 hours, I “tried” to just be gay again…. kind of as an escape. I know this sounds crazy, and it is crazy; but it’s really how my mind was working and processing. Although I was talking to guys on Grindr, I didn’t’ go out to the gay bars and I didn’t meet up with any guys for coffee or anything like that (much less sex), but in my heart and mind I had strayed far from God. That Sunday (the 27th), the Lord graciously opened my eyes to show me the foolishness of what I was going after. I got on the phone with my pastor (who is still in Shreveport. They are moving down next month) and I confessed to him everything that had been going on. He helped me work through some of my thoughts, etc., and just talking about it helped me clear my head. I came to Shreveport a few days later to share my testimony at a conference, and returned to New Orleans on Thursday, the 30th. On Friday, I downloaded Grindr again. I put my picture up and left it up this time…… stupidly, yes, but not blindly. I knew the risk of someone seeing me and calling me out, but I was in such a state of mind that I didn’t care. The more messages I kept getting from guys, the stronger the desire got to keep pursuing this. And by this, I mean sin. I was willingly making a choice to pursue sin and disobey God. On Saturday (the 2nd), I got an email from a guy telling me that he found me on Grindr and to “Be ready, because justice is coming.” This rattled me a bit, but not to the degree that I was “scared into” getting off of Grindr and repenting. At this point, my goal was to find someone to go out to the gay bars with. It was the superbowl and mardi gras this weekend in NOLA, and I wanted to go out. But I didn’t end up finding anyone to go out with, so I didn’t go out. Then, out of nowhere once again, I was overcome with conviction and guilt. So I talked to my pastor again, confessed, and I deleted the app. He told me to go to church in the morning (a church I’ve been visiting while I’ve been awaiting our entire church planting group to be in New Orleans). When I woke up I immediately got back on Grindr, yet somehow I still ended up in the church parking lot….. where I knew I had to make a decision. I was going to have to renounce Christ and choose sin, or I was going to have to humble myself and repent. I deleted the app (which signified a whole lot more than just deleting an app) and went into Church. My repentance doesn’t change the fact that I’ve sinned, and it doesn’t erase the temporal consequences for my sin—which I am in the midst of right now. I know most of you have read the articles, and if you haven’t, you will…. because they’re still popping up. My disobedience has impacted my life in an irreversible way. This stuff on the internet will now always be on the internet and available for all to see. And I fear the day that the Lord has words with me about how my actions have surely been a stumbling block to many. I take full responsibility for my sin, and I won’t’ attempt to blame it on any circumstance or weakness. With that said, considering what the press is printing about me, I would like to quickly address a couple of things to the gay community. Firstly, never have I ever even remotely insinuated that I am now “heterosexual” or “cured” from same sex desires. I’ve actually clearly communicated exactly the opposite. I have constantly been transparent about my present sinful desires… including the desire for homosexual interaction/behavior/attention. Some of you have come to realize this upon going and reading my blogs, and have emailed me to apologize on behalf of the things that the Huffington Post, Gawker, and other news sites have made me appear to represent. I appreciate your emails and messages, I’m sorry that I haven’t had a chance to respond to them all. I also need to say that I did not meet up with any guys I met on grindr, nor did I send any explicit photos or even remotely converse with anyone in a sexual manner. I’m not saying that I didn’t sin because I didn’t do these things. Regardless of my lack of physical sin, my heart was as sinful as it gets. I just want to be clear about exactly what happened, and what didn’t happen. I was on the app, yes. And I chatted with quite a few guys, yes. But that is it. Lastly, I would like to say to all: Despite my recent hypocritical behavior and disobedience to Christ, I stand firmly in saying that the Word of God, in totality, is true in every matter it addresses: including the sin of homosexual behavior. In all of this, the Word of Christ should not be questioned. It is not at fault, I am. Jesus is a good and loving Savior. He is gracious and forgiving to all of those who repent and ask Him for forgiveness. But sin and Jesus cannot be mingled together. I have sinned, and I believe that Christ has forgiven me because I am repenting….. but if I were to continue on in sin and refuse to repent, it would be evident that I have no part with Christ. I want to be clear as ever that a true Christian cannot embrace a lifestyle of sin—specifically here a lifestyle of homosexuality. I say this so that you all know I’m not changing my theology and disregarding what the Bible clearly says to make room for my sinful desires. Rather, I’m asking God to change my heart. And no, I don’t mean I’m asking him to change my sexual desires. I’m asking Him to change my heart—-so that whatever my desires may be, I choose Him over them. This is all I want to say at this point. I’ll be doing a more extensive interview with the Christian Post this week and will post that once it’s up. To those of you praying for me, please continue to do so. I am still not in a good place and need God to work mightily in my heart and mind. I am taking steps to get help with my depression and other issues which I think have led to my recent instability, I have a meeting with a Christian counselor next week. Pray that God would bless that, and that He’d show me what else I need to do in order to get my mind working right and my heart in full submission to Him. I don’t know that I’ve ever really been happy, or joyful, before… even though I’ve said that I have been. I’ve had spurts of happiness here and there, but it always seems to soon be drowned out by depression, sadness and fear. I’m ready to be happy……..not in sin, but in God.